i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
