you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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