The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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