So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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