just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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