Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
