The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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