What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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