I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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