Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
