did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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