i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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