You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
