im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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