There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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