She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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