I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
