and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
