paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
