the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
