So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
