You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
