I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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