Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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