why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
PS: I just woke up from my shower
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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