I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
