you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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