Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
