Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
