I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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