I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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