That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
