I wish they made helmets for livers.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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