My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You pole danced in your parka.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
