he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
