Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We are all done wearing pants today
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