For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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