I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
birth control should be required to get into college
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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