in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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