i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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