Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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