I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
