my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
