Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
