Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
