Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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