Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
