She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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