turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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