I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
