so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
