you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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