Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
