They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
