Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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