we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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