Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
