Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize