i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
