if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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